Hope for the Caregiver

Extra Space and Suipport

Extra Space and Support

I recently returned to the doctor to seek additional help with my left foot's ongoing – and vexing – problem. Patiently pointing out where my arch was falling, he identified the culprit as an "…excessive number of birthdays."

Showing me a shoe insert that he uses, he said, "Your days of walking barefoot or wearing shoes without arch supports are over. Get the support you need – and then get a wider shoe."

Following his orders, I ordered the inserts he recommended for my boots and a new pair of wider sneakers. Extra support and more space seem to be doing the trick.

Despite now possessing several pairs of shoes that will find themselves dropped off at the "Nearly New," I learned an excellent principle for family caregivers.

We benefit from the extra support of family, friends, doctors, counselors, and clergy - and we desperately need space from toxic individuals who criticize or even those who consume our time white-boarding solutions like, "Have you tried this? What about doing this?"

While many yearn for 'big victories," sometimes the win for caregivers can be a less painful walk through the often drama-filled caregiving journey.

Relationships, like shoes, aren't worth much if they're painful.

"If the shoe fits, wear it.” – Unknown

 

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Quieten The Room

"We've done everything possible to save this leg, all that's left is amputation – when you're ready, we'll have that conversation."

Those words came from Gracie's surgeon, following numerous operations to save her right leg - crushed and disfigured in her 1983 car accident. Everyone in Gracie's life, including me, had an opinion about this – and Gracie understandably struggled mightily during this time. At twenty-five, with a toddler, the decision weighed heavily on her young heart.

Setting an appointment with our pastor, Bob, she limped into his office on her mangled right foot. As she sat quietly in his study, he stated, "Gracie, this room is off-limits to every other voice telling you what to do. My job is to help quieten the noise so you can hear your heart – and God's leading.”

Gracie pondered for more than an hour while Pastor Bob sat at his desk – no words passed between them. Finally, Gracie looked up with tear-filled eyes and said, "I'm terrified of doing this," she whispered. Gaining strength, she continued, "But I can't live this way any longer – it's got to come off."

Nodding somberly, he assured Gracie he'd be with her through the ordeal – and he kept his word.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to others struggling with heartbreaking decisions is to clear the room, quieten the noise, and sit with them. Most know what needs to be done, but need a quiet place to process the fear and heartache – while assured that they’re not alone.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on your side; bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;

leave to your God to order and provide; in ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; your best, your heav’nly friend through thorny ways leads to a joyful end. – Kathrina von Schlegel

 

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Coin of the Realm

In this episode from our 10/1/2022 broadcast, I tackle something that's been on my mind for many years - chronic pain and my view of God. 

In America, the "coin of the realm" is the dollar. Metaphorically, in Washington DC, the currency - the coin of the realm - is power. In LA, it's fame - but what is the coin of the realm in God's economy? What has value to God - and how does it relate to us as family caregivers? 

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Perception Isn’t Always Reality

While in Ghana with our prosthetic limb outreach, Standing With Hope, Gracie and I visited a church in the port city of Tema. Following the service, I met a tall, impressive man wearing a flowing white traditional costume with gold trim. With a thick English/Ghanian accent, I heard him introduce himself as “…de King,’ Amos.”

Never meeting a king, I felt a bit tongue-tied and stammered, “Sir, I apologize – I don’t know how to properly address you.” 

With a huge smile, he offered in his deep voice, “Just call me “Amos.” 

“Sir, I can’t just call you that,” I replied – but he graciously continued chatting. Shortly after, while attending a reception with the pastor, I exclaimed, “I just met the King!” 

With a perplexed look, the pastor asked, “What King?”

“The King, Amos,” I replied.

Thinking for a minute, the pastor exploded in laughter and spoke in his native language to the room full of Ghanaians – who also started chuckling.

Sheepishly, I asked him to explain. 

With his equally thick Ghanian accent, the pastor laughed and shared. “You met a church officer, ‘Dea-con’ Amos – not ‘De King,’ Amos.”  

Perceptions often cloud hearing. The man looked regal – and perception allowed my ears to misinterpret. While my mistake only resulted in laughter, many misconstrued conversations can result in hurt feelings, resentment, and fractured relationships. 

Caregiving breeds isolation and isolation distorts perception – which leads to significant challenges. Asking for clarification, regardless of embarrassment, always trumps misunderstanding.

Studies have shown that 90% of error in thinking is due to error in perception. - Edward de Bono

Hope for the Caregiver Broadcast 09-17-2022

From our nationally syndicated broadcast for family caregivers 09-17-2022

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Fly The Plane and Work The Problem

Fly the Plane. Work the Problem

Several pilots I know express a standard command often given to less experienced pilots.

"Fly the plane, work the problem."

The context involves pilots who fixate on a problem like a storm, console light, or other issues. Riveting one's eyes on a single point to the exclusion of the bigger picture can quickly result in disastrous outcomes – especially when piloting an aircraft. The crash of Eastern Air Lines Flight 401 on December 29, 1972, caused 101 fatalities. An investigation revealed that the cockpit crew fixated on a burned-out landing gear light while failing to recognize the disengaged autopilot.

Locking in on one issue while dangerously losing perspective is not exclusive to pilots. Caregivers frequently spiral out of control while arguing with an impairment like Alzheimer's disease, alcoholism, or addiction – all of which easily overpower a caregiver and divert eyes from "flying the plane."

Our responsibility as caregivers is to see the bigger picture when our loved ones can't. Just like every passenger in the plane depends on the pilot not losing focus, so do all who rely upon us as caregivers.

While no one would think of handing over a plane to an untrained individual, caregiving sadly serves as the ultimate "on-the-job training" environment. Even the best of caregivers discover they are outmatched and ill-prepared. That's why each of us requires regular reminders to keep calm - and "fly the plane, work the problem."

"Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you." -  Proverbs 4:25

 

 

Reducing Hospital Infections

Dr. Betsy McCaughey chairs the Committee to Reduce Infection Deaths - and she joined the program to share their work and ways for patients (and their caregivers) to reduce their risk of contracting infections while in the hospital, assisted care, rehab, or other institutional care facilities. 

With Gracie's medical history spanning nearly 40 years and containing more than 80 operations, we've lost track of how many days she (and I) spent in hospitals. But we can count the infections Gracie contracted while inpatient. MRSA, Staph, and so many others added more significant challenges to her already difficult journey - which is why I appreciated Dr. McCaughey coming on the program. 

Visit their website and see more at https://hospitalinfection.org/, and you can also download their free brochure, 15 Steps You Can Take To Reduce Your Risk of Getting a Hospital Infection.