Hope for the Caregiver

Author Stephanie Hubach Shares Insights For Parents With Special Needs Children

Author and parent of a special needs son, Stephanie Hubach called the program. Stephanie is also a research fellow in disability ministries at Covenant Theological Seminary. Her new book is titled: Parenting & Disabilities - Abiding in God's Presence. 

www.stephaniehubach.com 

Hope for the Caregiver is the family caregiver outreach of Standing With Hope., and is heard weekly on more than 220 stations. The podcast is downloaded in more than 100 countries. Please share this podcast with a caregiver you know, and help us do more by clicking here: www.hopeforthecaregiver.com/giving 

There Used To Be M & M‘s

For as long as I can remember, when my father arrived home from reserve duty in the military, he brought each of my brothers and my sister a pack of M & M’s. Extending past his service as a naval officer, he and my mother continued the tradition when we returned from college. Each time we showed up with our luggage (sometimes filled with dirty laundry), we’d walk into our rooms to find a bag of M&M’s waiting on the pillow.

When they moved from the house where they raised five sons and a daughter, their new home carried the custom. Bringing our spouses, then children, and now even our grandchildren, the familiar brown-bagged treats (sometimes the yellow bags of peanut M&M’s) from my parents awaited every family member.

Except for this year.

Nearly succumbing to congestive heart failure, my mother endured a dramatic and challenging year—as did my father. A US Naval officer and pastor for almost 60 years, my father stepped into the role of caregiver for the first time, and I watched the process take a toll on him.

It felt odd. While I’ve cared for my wife with severe disabilities for more than 35 years, I’ve never seen my dad in this role. I found myself placing a hand on his shoulder, much like he did for me many times following my wife’s now eighty-plus operations. He sat with me in countless ICUs, hospital rooms, and waiting rooms. Now I sat with him.

His seasoned faith remains intact and strong, yet he struggled to wrap his mind around the relentless assault of continued medical setbacks. With the same gentleness and encouragement he offered to me over decades of caregiving, I returned the favor.

I’ve often heard that “…There’s no pain like watching your children hurt.”

Watching your parents hurt must run a close second.

With a herculean effort by medical staff, along with my mother’s grit, she pulled through. While not where she’d like to be, she’s further than most expected. After a couple of months away, we returned to their home for the Thanksgiving holidays. They look tired, older, but optimistic. The family pulled together, and the house looks great. The only significant difference I noticed was an oxygen tank in their bedroom.

For the first time in my memory, however, no M & M’s waited on the pillows. The absence of those treats indicates a passage and a farewell to parts of who they used to be. Their home stands in a heavily wooded area of upstate South Carolina. As we prepare for Thanksgiving, the trees surrounding their home continue shedding an entire color palate of leaves. The loveliness of autumn is a sad one that brushes hearts the same way the wind grazes branches.

So it is when watching those who loomed large in our lives diminish in vigor, but not in beauty. As many will attest, it’s the shedding of small things—the wisps of everyday things taken for granted—that often bring a tear.

During holidays, deep feelings seem to rise to the surface faster than other times. For many Americans, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a difficult season of slow goodbyes, bittersweet celebrations, and, for some, the ache of absence.

Yet, not all is sorrow. Slowing our lifestyles to the pace of our hearts, we can cling to each other a bit tighter. After dinner, we can pause a little longer at the table—or sit quietly for an extra couple of minutes with those we love. If a chair is empty, we can choose to fill that seat with cherished memories.

Families across our country feel this kind of heartache— one so deeply connected to caregiving. Helping those caregivers is no easy task. Yet, that help remains critical to not only the caregiver but also their loved one. Part of that help is assisting caregivers in grieving without them sinking into despair. Doing so always involves redirecting our gaze to gratitude.

The treats I’ve enjoyed for a lifetime no longer await me, but the loving hands that placed them are still here to hold. Placing that candy on their pillows instead, I now possess a greater understanding of the joy they both shared—for a lifetime.

This Thanksgiving, I discovered gratitude can be found in something as simple as a bag of M & M’s.

Grief is the price we pay for love. Queen Elizabeth II

38 Years is a long time

"Now a man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. Jesus, upon seeing this man lying there and knowing that he had already been in that condition for a long time …" John 5: 5-6

 

While one of the most familiar passages in the Bible, the story of Jesus meeting this man now carries a more profound significance to Gracie and me. Scripture records the man's plight as lasting 38 years.

 

In the following sentence, Scripture validates that 38 years is a long time.

 

This month marks the 38th anniversary of Gracie's car accident, and it continues to reach through the decades with challenges and pain. Still recovering from a terrible fall in September that resulted in a broken femur, numerous challenges daily remind Gracie that 38 years is indeed a long time.

 

Why is it important that God also recognizes 38 years as a long time? 

We Will Cast These Down

From our nationally syndicated broadcast 11-13-2021

www.hopeforthecaregiver.com 

Her Happiness is Not Your Responsibility

"My 93-year-old mother doesn’t suffer from dementia but is so mean to me. How do I make her happy while caring for her? I’ve been sober for 6 years, and she makes me want to start drinking again."

Terri in Texas called the radio program with an all too common problem: "How do I make her happy?"

Answering Terri on the air, I shared that, "Your responsibility is not to make your mother happy, but to work your sobriety program. Your mother can get happy in the same shoes she gets mad in! Your responsibility is to call your sponsor and continue staying sober. If you lose your sobriety, your mother gets a drunk caregiver and that will make all of it worse. Call your sponsor and go to a meeting."

"Strength of mind rests in sobriety; for this keeps your reason unclouded by passion.." - Pythagoras

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Patriots Standing In the Gap

A recent caller to my radios program shared her journey as a caregiver. Combat-related PTSD led her military son down some dark paths—including drugs and alcohol, and his family disintegrated. This grandmother found herself with an impaired son and vulnerable grandchildren. When considering the word “caregiver,” most think of caring for the elderly. Yet many kinds of caregivers exist—and each of them bears their own sadness and difficulties. It is often stated that soldiers leave a part of themselves on the battlefield. Sometimes, caregivers work to compensate for those missing pieces as they care for the seen and unseen wounds of injured servicemen and women. While our military is composed of those who volunteer to don the uniform, an additional and less visible army of volunteers exists. Those volunteers are family caregivers who stand in the gap for wounded warriors—and often their families. Their acts of devotion not only serve their loved ones but also honor this great nation.

There is much more to being a patriot and citizen than reciting the pledge or raising a flag. – Jesse Ventura  

Rock of Ages - Cleft for Caregivers

Legend has it that Augustus Toplady took shelter during a storm in a fissure he discovered in a large rock wall. The visual stuck with him and led him to write the first line of one of the most familiar hymns in Church history. "Rock of Ages, Cleft for Me."

We discussed this and more in our broadcast that aired on 11/6/2021. 
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