Hope for the Caregiver

Trauma Fights the Clock But Caregiving Fights the Calendar

When someone we love is hurting, suffering, or impaired, we often heroically leap to action and fight the danger. Although a good trait in an emergency, it's unsustainable in the marathon of caregiving. Unlike trauma, caregiving requires a different approach. In trauma, the clock is the adversary, but it's the calendar in caregiving. Emergency circumstances require immediate action, but hasty movement can engage caregivers in way too many battles on multiple fronts, leaving us depleted – or worse.

As Don Diego stated to Alejandro in The Mask of Zorro, "Oh, yes, my friend, you would have fought very bravely and died very quickly."

While actions remain important, discretionary valor is equally, if not more, essential as a caregiver. That discretion of knowing when to act, speak, or be still—comes with time and practice, but it's a necessary part of our journey in becoming healthy caregivers. Being still often requires enormous discipline and is its own form of bravery. Although some may not recognize it, knowing when to act often reflects extraordinary valor.

"Don't just do something, stand there!" - Unknown

 

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25 Things

A friend shared this simple task to do when it feels like everything is flying apart. 

I'm trying it today - and invite you to do the same. 

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There Is A Redeemer

On our 1/22 broadcast, we discussed this hymn by Melody Green and what it means to us as family caregivers. 

A Bowl of Soup and a Kind Word

During a challenging hospital stay for my wife, friends called and asked me to stop by their home. After doing laundry, I swung by their house while returning to the hospital. Smiling at the puzzled look on my face, they directed me to the kitchen table, where a single place setting awaited.

“Your in-laws are caring for your boys, and the hospital staff is caring for Gracie. Sit, eat, and let us care for you. They promptly served me a steaming bowl of vegetable beef soup, a massive slice of cornbread, and a large glass of tea. As a child of the South, they couldn’t have picked a better meal for me.

I tried to make conversation but couldn’t find the words. “Just eat and rest,” they repeated several times.

After finishing the meal, I got up to head back to the hospital, and they both hugged me. “You have a lot to do, but now do it on a full stomach – knowing that you’re loved.”

Many express difficulties in knowing how to help a caregiver, but most caregivers agree that it’s not complicated.

Sometimes it’s just a bowl of soup and a kind word.

“The angel of God came back, shook him [Elijah] awake again, and said, “Get up and eat some more—you’ve got a long journey ahead of you.”– I Kings 19:7 The Message (The Bible)

 

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The Promise

Many caregivers struggle with decades-old promises to make sure to “…never put Mom in a nursing home.”

When making that promise, most recall healthier times where the thought of going into a facility seemed far in the horizon. Reality sneaks up on the best of us, and we find ourselves faced with uncomfortable circumstances. The tether of the promise can quickly transform to a noose around the neck of a family caregiver unable to meet the demands of a horrific condition. From personal safety to medical expertise, caregivers easily find themselves outmatched by an affliction – and overpowered by guilt.

Despite the promise’s sincerity, its roots often stem from ignorance about the peripheral havoc disease and injury can cause. Disparity and unsustainability quickly appear when a caregiver demands of herself - what an entire paid staff of people in a memory care facility accomplish. The promise must face honest scrutiny to reflect the commitment to caring for a loved one to the best one can. When demands exceed ability, changes must occur - and help enlisted.

The challenge for caregivers is to seek counsel from objective, experienced, and trained individuals to regularly evaluate conditions and possible paths.

As we promise to care, let us also commit to caring well.

“We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” - Dolly Parton

A Path Through the Storm

Imagine trying to build a five-year plan while simultaneously working to survive a hurricane. Incredulously, many caregivers regularly attempt such a feat. 

Man With Down Syndrome Discusses His Faith, Father, and Elvis

Aaron Tornquist (43) lives with Down Syndrome and is an Elvis Tribute Artist. For Elvis's 87 birthday (January 8) - I invited Aaron to return to the program and share his story.