Episodes
Tuesday Mar 01, 2022
Caregivers and the Wall of Noise
Tuesday Mar 01, 2022
Tuesday Mar 01, 2022
Noise bombards us every day. Traffic, 24-hour news, our mobile devices, and a host of other things forms a wall of sound that keeps many of us in a state of agitation. For caregivers, taking a moment to sit quietly and settle our hearts down seems nearly impossible. But if we don’t take time for stillness, we’re going to have to make time for illness.
The constant state of anxiety, stress, and sensory overload we experience as caregivers will eventually make us sick. Ask any health care professional about the long-term effects of stress. When’s the last time anyone ever touted the benefits of anxiety, high blood pressure, depression, skin rashes, or other stress-induced issues?
As caregivers, we modify our lifestyle to minimize the threat. We push back on stress by carving out time to be still and quiet. Prayer, meditation, or just clearing our racing thoughts helps re-boot our minds and hearts. Without any cost or even a prescription, regularly incorporating stillness in our lives allows us to be a little calmer – and a little healthier – in the caregiver storm we navigate.
The best cure for the body is a quiet mind. - Napoleon Bonaparte
Friday Feb 25, 2022
”We’ve Got This!”
Friday Feb 25, 2022
Friday Feb 25, 2022
The morning of the most extensive surgery my wife's ever faced, we both felt (understandably) a bit nervous. Sitting in the pre-op area, I observed a flurry of medical staff work efficiently to prepare Gracie for what would be a 9-hour surgery – and her 82nd operation (that I can count).
When the neurosurgeon arrived, I noticed a tangible enthusiasm about him. Clapping his hands together, he brightly looked at us while stating, "You ready to get this thing done!"
For maybe the first time in my 35 years as a caregiver, I felt a calmness and sense of safety with this man. As the surgeon exuded such self-confidence, I felt our anxiety melt away. He knew his job and shared his excitement, "I love doing this procedure- it helps so many people!"
Looking at me, he said, 'This will be a long day. Go rest in your hotel room and wait for my call. You don't need to hang out in the waiting room and stress yourself out. We've got this!"
Following his orders, I rested and waited for his call.
The surgery went well, and while slow, the recovery remains steady. Along the way, I learned to trust a bit more – and rest in the competence of others.
"You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible." - Anton Chekov
HopeFortheCaregiver.com
Wednesday Feb 02, 2022
Trauma Fights the Clock But Caregiving Fights the Calendar
Wednesday Feb 02, 2022
Wednesday Feb 02, 2022
When someone we love is hurting, suffering, or impaired, we often heroically leap to action and fight the danger. Although a good trait in an emergency, it's unsustainable in the marathon of caregiving. Unlike trauma, caregiving requires a different approach. In trauma, the clock is the adversary, but it's the calendar in caregiving. Emergency circumstances require immediate action, but hasty movement can engage caregivers in way too many battles on multiple fronts, leaving us depleted – or worse.
As Don Diego stated to Alejandro in The Mask of Zorro, "Oh, yes, my friend, you would have fought very bravely and died very quickly."
While actions remain important, discretionary valor is equally, if not more, essential as a caregiver. That discretion of knowing when to act, speak, or be still—comes with time and practice, but it's a necessary part of our journey in becoming healthy caregivers. Being still often requires enormous discipline and is its own form of bravery. Although some may not recognize it, knowing when to act often reflects extraordinary valor.
"Don't just do something, stand there!" - Unknown
www.hopeforthecaregiver.com
Wednesday Jan 26, 2022
A Bowl of Soup and a Kind Word
Wednesday Jan 26, 2022
Wednesday Jan 26, 2022
During a challenging hospital stay for my wife, friends called and asked me to stop by their home. After doing laundry, I swung by their house while returning to the hospital. Smiling at the puzzled look on my face, they directed me to the kitchen table, where a single place setting awaited.
“Your in-laws are caring for your boys, and the hospital staff is caring for Gracie. Sit, eat, and let us care for you. They promptly served me a steaming bowl of vegetable beef soup, a massive slice of cornbread, and a large glass of tea. As a child of the South, they couldn’t have picked a better meal for me.
I tried to make conversation but couldn’t find the words. “Just eat and rest,” they repeated several times.
After finishing the meal, I got up to head back to the hospital, and they both hugged me. “You have a lot to do, but now do it on a full stomach – knowing that you’re loved.”
Many express difficulties in knowing how to help a caregiver, but most caregivers agree that it’s not complicated.
Sometimes it’s just a bowl of soup and a kind word.
“The angel of God came back, shook him [Elijah] awake again, and said, “Get up and eat some more—you’ve got a long journey ahead of you.”– I Kings 19:7 The Message (The Bible)
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Thursday Jan 06, 2022
Avoiding Death Is Not The Same As Living
Thursday Jan 06, 2022
Thursday Jan 06, 2022
Risk Is A Part of Life, But Joy Is a Choice
“Happy New Year” can often feel perfunctory and even meaningless in the caregiving world. Most of us know that January 1, 2, 3, etc., usually brings the same challenges of the previous week – and even year (s).
Yet, although our responsibilities may not change, we can.
While many fall into the trap of ambitious but unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions (I usually give mine up for Lent), caregivers can instead determine to live rather than just survive.
Living, however, requires risks. Life is perilous - despite our culture obstinately working to mitigate all risks (thank the lawyers for that). Isolating to avoid disease, injury, rejection, or failure is no way to live. Nor is avoiding death the same as living.
From gardening to music, anything that involves life, art, and creativity comes with the risk of failure. As do relationships, business ventures …and caregiving.
This year, I intend to push myself to learn, try, accomplish- and even fail - new things. History teaches that risks and heartache remain unavoidable, but joy is a choice.
“It ain’t dying I’m talking about, it’s living. I doubt it matters where you die, but it matters where you live.” - Augustus McCrae ― from Lonesome Dove (Larry McMurtry)
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Friday Nov 12, 2021
Her Happiness is Not Your Responsibility
Friday Nov 12, 2021
Friday Nov 12, 2021
"My 93-year-old mother doesn’t suffer from dementia but is so mean to me. How do I make her happy while caring for her? I’ve been sober for 6 years, and she makes me want to start drinking again."
Terri in Texas called the radio program with an all too common problem: "How do I make her happy?"
Answering Terri on the air, I shared that, "Your responsibility is not to make your mother happy, but to work your sobriety program. Your mother can get happy in the same shoes she gets mad in! Your responsibility is to call your sponsor and continue staying sober. If you lose your sobriety, your mother gets a drunk caregiver and that will make all of it worse. Call your sponsor and go to a meeting."
"Strength of mind rests in sobriety; for this keeps your reason unclouded by passion.." - Pythagoras
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Saturday Oct 30, 2021
And The Critics Say ...
Saturday Oct 30, 2021
Saturday Oct 30, 2021
In an emotional phone call, a friend shared the recent criticism while struggling to care for her husband. Already reeling from significant heartache resulting from her husband’s condition, the scolding rocked her.
“You should’ve done _______.
All too many spectators of caregivers often feel empowered to offer “advice” to those shouldering the challenges of caregiving. Sometimes non-caregivers bypass advice and go straight to criticizing. I suppose it saves time.
As a rule, the best opinions to heed usually come from those possessing training and education relating to the impairment of your loved one. Thirty-five years as a caregiver has taught me an additional rule: the best counsel regarding your journey as a caregiver often comes from those with credible experience.
There remains no shortage of opinions from those not doing the work. Those criticisms, if allowed, can wound the soul of a caregiver struggling to do her best.
When tempted to allow critics to assess your value as a caregiver by job performance, be fair and look at your attendance record. You keep showing up to care. Critics only show up to judge.
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